Friday, July 25, 2008

Match These Doodies!

Here's the deal.
I asked 10 of my closest friends & fam to describe their latest doodies.
Your Task - Match each one of these people up with their poops. easy!!!
Please post your answers in my comments section - the winner receives a secret prize.

PEOPLE - and YES these are their real names!!! muhahaha

1. Sarah
2. Ashley
3. Ernie
4. Hannah
5. Sharmel
6. Dan
7. Mel
8. Blaire
9. Sean

Poop Descriptions
A. firm, brown and came out in 2 parts
B. I don't even look at my shit, woman. (liar!!!! EVERYONE LOOKS!)
C. "Phantom Shit" I swear a took a shit but when i looked in the toilet, nothing was there!
D. Normal, but dark.
E. Small & Corny
F. Sticky alcohol poop... had to wipe a lot!
G. Gross
H. Short because i was afraid someone would walk in. Only one squeeze and a hurried flush. No one likes to walk in on a plopper!
I. It was therapeautic! It cleaned my soul.
J. Right before lunch on the 14th floor. It was a runny one sorta like diarhea. It free flowed right outta my ass with the slightest push. I had to wipe extra good and get outta there, because the cleaning lady was banging on the door!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Poopy Dance

Spring has finally sprung, and my poop obsession is worse than EVER.
Let me explain.
I've always liked poop. Post-numero dos, i've gotta check mine out. It's been going on for such a long time now, that it's a total involuntary reaction, like eyebrow critiquing... or taking a big ol' whif of my own farts! I don't WANT to do it, i just do. I've gotta know!! I'VE GOT TO KNOW.
So anyway, here's what happened with the obsession.
i got a PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and damn, he is a major pooper.
His name is Ernie and he is 14 weeks old and a little buttercup of fur and love and chomps and smelly ass dumps.
I mean, this guy goes potty 4-5 times each day, it is totally crazy plus i'm a little jealous of his magical digestive system! At the rate he's going, you would think i'm feeding him chicken tikka masala for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

So, i have a poopy-bag dispenser attached to his leash, since i am kind of forgetful and don't want to be that girl whose pup takes a deuce on the driveway at the EXACT same moment that the soccer mommy is pulling her minivan in and I am bagless and need to run far, far away with my dumping doggy so i dont get fined or arrested or exiled from Hoboken for my lack of poop-pick-ups!

But here is when I knew my obession had gone over the top.

Yesterday, I took little Ernesto out in the backyard for a little unleashed romp session. He likes the backyard because it actually has grass, and i like it because there aren't any ciggy butts or bud light bottle pieces that he can chomp up.
I was on the phone with Ryan, discussing life and my indian food-induced tummy ache, when all of a sudden Ernie started doing... THE POOPY DANCE!!!
It goes a little something like this.
Sniff... sniffsniffsniff..
run to the left
run to the right
run back to the left
get back up, that spot's no good
run to the right
sniff sniff sniff
dance in a circle
POOP while staring at me with his "give me a chicken flavored treat because i am pooping outdoors" face.

Me- "Ooooh, Ryan!!! Ern just pooped!! GOOD BOYYY ERN! GOOD POOP!!!"
Ryan- "uhhhh, yay?"
Me- "Hmm... where did it go?? Ern, where's your poop?! i don't see it!!"
Ryan- "If you can't find it, just let it be... it's YOUR backyard."
Me- ::searching wildly and sniffing for the camoflagued poop::
Ryan "Jess?"

Unfortunately, I never found the poop. I am learning to let go. I don't ALWAYS need to see it... although... i'd really like to.

Hope you weren't eating your lunch, sorry :)

Also, here are some photos of my new little man!!!!

Little Shmernesto taking a nappy and dreaming of bacon and cream cheese:

Don't you just WANT to see his poop? The cutest poop in the universe!!!

Ern getting his first look at the female anatomy... ohhh maggie, you are such a SLUT!!!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Job Shmob.

You know what really pisses me off? One day after my last post, I got the best Google Search of ALL TIME on my blog-stalking program... and I was the #1 result!!!
drumroll pleeeaaaase...
"Port Authority this morning poop"
I am so proud!

Anyway, as you may or may not know, last week was my fist day back at my old job. Hmm... is anyone else noticing a pattern in my employment history?
Where is my rich husband?! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere?!?!

Below are the reasons why I quit my 4-month old job from hell.
Please, feel my pain!!!

Here goes...

1. no internet
2. no 2 hour lunch breaks. Ok, no 1 hour lunch break. Hmm... felt guilty leaving for a sandwich... aaahhhhhhhh
3. working weekends folding clothes and trying to understand weird Europeans who want me to try on a 10 year old boy's jacket because i am the same height but fatter. Or at least I think that's what she said. Great.
4. Mice in the bathroom. Mice poopies underneath my desk.
5. Cockroaches running out of the bathroom.
6. Sitting in a stinky stockroom in Paramus, NJ for 10 hours while scanning baby underwear.
7. This 8 and a half month pregnant biatch buyer who commuted from Queens, yet couldn't get out of her seat and walk 5 feet to the printer and would call me and make me fetch her shit, and one time asked me to go buy her pizza in 10 degree weather.
8. The fax machine. It was from 1991, I think. It made that silly AOL modem noise, and took approximately 10 minutes to send 2 pieces of paper. Plus, I had to fax every single order. Ohhhhhhh my.
9. Lack of cubicle. Sat in an office smaller then my childhood bedroom with 5 other women who only talked about pregnancies, being dilated and breast feeding their offspring. Made me want to vomit on my slacks. Couldn't make any private phone calls because everyone could hear everything. Couldn't fart. Couldn't blog.
10. Had to listen to assorted Spanish radio stations all days because of the 2 Spanish ladies in my shitty room. Couldn't eavesdrop on their conversations because they were in Spanish, yet they could hear everything I said. NOT FAIR.
11. That one girl from Long Island who gave me dirty looks everyday.
12. Monday meetings where I had to sit on the floor because apparently i was the least important person and better people got the chairs.
13. The time I got yelled at by the head of security because I let Sarah use my "family discount" but apparently sisters don't count as family?!?!
14. Did I mention I had to work on Saturdays?
15. The Financial District might just be the most depressing area of New York City, not counting my old, dirty, fuzzy-picture-framed apartment in Murray Hill. Mmmmm, how i loved riding into the remnants of the World Trade Center every morning.
16. No Dunkin Donuts in the vicinity.
17. Dressing mannequins in fugly Easter dresses.
18. Man with red mullet who emptied my garbage.
19. Smelly cafeteria.

That is all.

On a more exciting note, as I was walking home from the Path this evening, a possibly drunk/homeless man told me I looked like Fiona Apple.
Woohoo! Highlight of the day!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Jewish Girls Eat Ass!

I've finally made it to the big time!
I mean... I wasn't discovered or anything like that. No fabulous blog-turned-book deal or even a job that would allow me to utilize my sweet photo captioning skills...
BUT... This is ohh so much more exciting!

I've recently discovered that there's a way I can track the referring URLs that bring readers to my blog.
In normal-people terms...

It is completely amazing yet disturbing that I am mostly on the first page of results for these...uhh.. interesting phrases, which makes me wonder...
Is there something wrong with me?
What are other people blogging about that I would be the #2 Google result?? What's more important than reality tv, getting black out drunk and discussing all types of genitalia?

NOW... it is time to share with you.
drumrolllllll please.
My Top 10 List!!!...entitled:
"Help! I will most likely get arrested/fired for being linked to these google results!"

#10: "Lake Bryn Mawr Camp"
Yikes! One measley reference to my uber-jappy all girls sleepaway camp and suddenly i'm the god damned google spokesperon! I can see it now...
Overbearing Jewish mother wants to send her little Alana to sleepaway camp in the Poconos. She's heard about Bryn Mawr, but wants to learn more.
The lightbulb goes on. "I know... I'll google it!"
I can just imagine the look of horror on her face when she is referred to my site. The Bryn Mawr reference gives way to Emily's lesbian wedding escapade...
Guess who's not going to that all girls camp afterall?!

#9 "Kowloon Strip Clubs"
Hmm... I ate at a nasty Chinese restaurant called Kowloon! I guess that means it's a real place... in China? With strip clubs? Mmmm... come check out my asian stripper blog!!!

#8 "Penis Modeling"
Woohoo!! Now we're talkin'. Adventures of an Unemployed Penis Model! Now THAT would be an interesting read, don't you think? I knew this guy in college who had a dildo modeled after his junk. I think that is truly wonderful for him. OK, next..

#7 "Lady Hairs"
Uhh-ohhh. Why do I have this feeling that like... an 11 year old girl was searching lady hairs, trying to figure out why on earth she was growing her own?! AND THEN... she finds out that I waxed mine off in return for more oral! Whoops! :) Sorry little girl's mommy. ahhhhhhhh

#6: "Jewish Penis"
i LOVE that someone searched for Jewish Penis.
It's like... "I don't want to see any old penis!!! It's GOT to be Jewish!"
Superb!! Religious genitals.

#5: "Carnie Wilson Swallows"
What was this person trying to find!!! Carnie Wilson swallows WHAT?! I mean, i'm pretty up-to-date on Celeb sex-tape fiascos, and really... i've never heard of a Carnie Wilson one!! If there is one available though, someone please send it to me ASAP!!

#4 "Sexy Jewish Girls Fucked in Dress"
Wouldn't that be 50 times more hilarious if it was "Sexy Jewish Girls Fucked in Bat Mitzvah Dress"?!... That would've totally brought it to the #1 spot.
It's great though, because when I clicked on the link, I discovered I fell into result spot #2 - sandwiched between a site entitled 'Sexy Brunette in red dress sucks then fucks...' and 'Free Porn Videos! Paula Abdul in sexy pictures..."
Mommy aren't you proud of me??

#3 "Dirty Penis Cheese"
I don't think that I've used these words all together, but boy... that's good. Once again, I fall into the #2 result, right underneath Urban Dictionary: Dick Cheese: "Gross mold-like stuff that forms on a dirty penis" Mmmmmm...educational!

#2 "Fat Camel Toes"
Yes!!!!! I knew all my talk of camel toes would pay off one day!!! Fat Camel Toe sounds extra raunchy, though. Have you ever seen those weird Nike sneakers that you can run in but don't need to wear socks. The toe area is separated into 2 parts, making it look like a supa-fat camel toe. I hate those!

#1: "Jewish Girls Eat Ass"
Ok, let's try to get into the mindset. Horny guy... sits at computer...
says to himself "Maaaaaaan, I'd LOVE to see some Jewish Girls eatin' Ass!!!"
Personally, I don't think that's very kosher. Nor I have eaten any ass lately!
But I really hope he got what he was looking for!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Elvis Knees

Last weekend I rejoined New York Sports Club for the 16th time. I'd been a member on and off since 10th grade and now that i moved back to New Jersey (gasp!!!) i had to once again sign my life away just because those little treadmill TVs are just about the most amazing invention since the Milano cookie.

Anyway, every time you sign up they offer you a free personal training session which always sounds super exciting right up until the day of your appointment. You think about all those great techniques you'll learn and how size 2 is just a few minutes away... when all of a sudden you remember that you just spent the past 8 hours at work and the last place you want to be is in a stinky, crowded gym full of people you avoided all through high school who will now see you sweating large stains in the pit region of your too-tight sorority tee shirt while simultaneously having your body fat measured and announced over the loud speaker.

I bitched and moaned and finally dragged myself over to the gym to meet Victor, hoping he had forgotten about the session and instead I could catch the last half hour of Tyra.
No such luck.
So we start to work out and luckily, he is most definitely not like the questionably gay trainer who asked me out during my last free personal training session(Please see "To Trim or Not To Trim")... except for the fact that Victor is EVIL.

FIRST, he tells me that my beautiful personalized Nike sneaks are crappy and i need new ones.
Fine, yesss they are 4 years old but they are PERSONALIZED!!! I spent many hours and many bong hits creating those magical sneakers! Plus, my dad had to pay a lot for the child slaves to embroider my last name into the side of those bad boys and i loooooooooooove them!

Next, we did some shoulder exercises. Victor told me i had horrible posture and it is truly terrible because i am only 23 and what's going to happen in another 10 years?! Grrrrrr.

"I don't need a free show!" Victor exclaimed, as i lay back on the giant green ball thing attempting to do sit-ups while my shorts rideth upeth. Now this... this was just rude. He is ugly!!! and kinda fat for a personal trainer, in my opinion! he should want my free upper leg/lower ass show!! If this wasn't enough for a Tuesday evening, then came the squats.
Regular squats. One-legged squats. Squats with weights much larger than my usual 5 pound limit.
Victor: "You have Elvis knees!"
Me: "What the fuck are Elvis knees!?"
Victor: "Look in the mirror"
well yes, that seems to be an awful lot of shaking, but sorry Victor, i actually have a job where i have to sit at a desk all day long and not teach boxing to fat mommies and eat subway 6 grams of fat or less subs because that's the only thing personal trainers probably eat!!! fuckers! And that is why i have Elvis knees and i like them just the way they are.
Then he dragged me into this office, pit stains and all, to pressure me into buying 5 more sessions for $400!
"Ummm I will definitely have to think about it"

Now my body hurts. All over. Bad. My legs. My weak shoulders. My free show area. Even my Elvis knees.
But at least it was free.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I Love New York... Hospitals!

Guess what?
I had a crazy infection on my leg last week and went to the hospital.
Guess what again?
2 days later, i had an anxiety attack AT WORK and had to be taken away in an ambulence and now my whole office thinks i am a side show FREAK!
Guess what ONE MORE TIME?
On my 10th day of medication, my whole face turned into a giant red rash and i had assorted spots all over my body!!!!!!!!

Luckily, i'm fine now... except for that my pants don't fit because in the midst of my medical induced depression i managed to eat 18 desserts and 45 chicken fingers.

Anyway, Thanksgiving was a lot of fun this year. Wednesday night I saw my entire graduating class at THE BREAKFAST CLUB! Yes, my town actually has an 80's themed dance club complete with a $15 cover and townies! Totaaallly worth it to sweat and dance with people I used to sit behind in Social Studies while sporting a hot, sexy rash on my face.

After a late night trip to the Peter Skank (Pank?) diner and an awful thanksgiving hangover, we journeyed to Emily and Elinor's place in Red Bank. 12,000 calories and several bottles of wine later, Sarah and I decided it was time to make a video of Emily's heinous 1992 wardrobe to submit to What Not To Wear.

Items worthy of mention include:
1 black and hot orange speedo bathing suit.
1 very gross 8 year old rhinstoned velour Delia's dress which she still wears to social functions.
18 assorted plaid tops.
some of the fugliest shoes to ever grace this planet. and Tevas.

As soon as the video is edited i'll be sure to post a link for your viewing pleasure!

Speaking of clothes, I decided to check out Sarah Jessica Parker's 'Bitten' line at Steve n Barry's today. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, talk about a camel toe! I don't seem to recall her sporting any of those at her fancy Sunday brunches. Maybe because those pants weren't $12.99!! Fashion for any size? Yiiiiiiikes, I guess she didn't mean vag size.

Well, i'm tired and my battery is going to die now.
More life updates coming soon!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Cheesy Tots!

Tonight's first order of business: Cheesy Tots!!
The fast food gods have finally answered my prayers with these miniature nuggets of fried fatty goodness from BK! AND... they serve them for BREAKFAST!!! Oh My!

Moving on.

My blogging has been really sparse lately. Let me explain.

It's not my fault, really. I have NO internet at work! None. No gmail chat. No facebook. I can't even check my bank account or look up the nutritional info for cheesy tots! I went from web-browing-supa-star to... person who actually does work while at work! The horror!!!

I've also been experiencing a sickness which Krystal has labeled CGS.
Classic Grandma Syndrome.
It goes a little something like this.
Wake up and go to work.
Come home from work.
Cook crappy food while watching Rachael Ray's 30 minute meals.
Check email and google image pictures of puppy dogs since you have no access at work.
Friend who is much cooler then you says "hey, wanna go to a bar later and see this super hip band you've never heard of?"
Reply "Ah, no... i gotta dry my hair and I Love New York comes on in 20 minutes."

Before it's too late, someone pleeeaase come over, drag me out of bed and force me to put on a bra because it's only 6 o clock! Thank you!

In other news, I have found me an apartment for next month in ye' old town of Hoboken, NJ. That's right, back to the Jerz! The excitement!!!
Seriously though that shit is waaay cheaper and since i'm planning my budget around a wonderful wardrobe of cardigans and more cardigans it just makes SENSE!
Please be sure to visit and take me to Target and/or the mall and to the Cheesecake Factory! (MOM!!!)
Also, i will live very close to my good friend Becky and will have more time to find the Jewish man of her dreams. Which is important. And also, i'll be close to work. Sort of! And last but not least, there is a Boston Market!! Mmmmmm all that creamed spinach!

The best part about giving up my room, however was finding the ad posted for it on Craigslist over the weekend.

Please read:

$1200 Luxury Doorman Building, master bedroom available DEC 1ST (Murray Hill)

I currently live with my boyfriend. Our roommate is moving back home, and we're looking for someone to share the space with. Master bedroom of a 1 BR converted into 2 BR apartment will be yours on December 1st. High floor of luxury building in the heart of Murray Hill with a great view of the East River and the UN. My boyfriend and I will pay 2/3 of the utility bills, you will pay 1/3. Apartment has nice-sized kitchen and bathroom with a cozy living room area. Laundry available in building and dry cleaner located conveniently outside the building. A quick walk home from the Murray Hill bars and tons of great restaurants. Please email me for more information, and tell me a little bit about yourself.

Here is my version:

$1200 - Building next to a great Luxury Building. Doormen who let just about anyone in. Eat dinner in your bed in the Master Bedroom. Available 12/1

I currently live with my boyfriend. He doesn't stop talking. Ever. Our roommate is on the verge of committing suicide because of how nasty this apartment is, so we're looking to share this space because we are too cheap to find our own place. Master bedroom is great, except the floor is peeling up because the maintenance crew used the cheapest finish in the whole wide world. High floor of the shittiest building in Murray Hill, close to a really great chicken wing place but that's about it. My boyfriend and I will pay 2/3 of the utilities and you will pay 1/3. Unfortunately, we will all share 1 bathroom and if you come home drunk you might have to pee in a Duane Reade bag in your Master Bedroom. We also don't replace toilet paper. Sorry! Apartment has a nice sized kitchen, however it is very dirty. I don't take out the garbage. Neither does my boyfriend, but he likes to leave empty pizza boxes on the counter and the floor, so feel free to take those out on your way to work. Oh, and that cozy living room. Just kidding. No living room! Instead there is a giant fish tank that I don't clean, ever!! Laundry available in the building and dry cleaner next door who charges $20 to hem a pair of jeans. A quick walk home from the Murray Hill bars, but an unbearable journey down 42nd street to the only subway in the area at Grand Central Station. Hold on to your wallet!!
Please email me for more information and tell me more about yourself. BYO toilet paper.