Sunday, April 29, 2007

What Not To Wear: A How-To Guide by Emily Winston

The closest Emily ever came to fashionista-status was in Vegas last summer. We decided it was about time to throw her 1992 black platforms in the Treasure Island garbage can and forced her into varying ensembles composed mostly of Sarah's extra small self-bedazzled tank tops and matching mini skirts. We did such a good job with her show-girl makeover that she even managed to look borderline-straight and was hit on several times at each of the clubs we attended. I even decided to reward her sexy efforts with a $25 lap dance courtesy of a large, hunky black man, which she later mentioned that she quite enjoyed.

Check out the Emily sandwich happening in this photo... (not for your eyes, Elinor!!)

So that's why I was pleasantly surprised when I opened up my Gmail inbox this morning to find a message from Em entitled "Blast from the Past Fashion Show"

**Please keep in mind that her jaw is currently wired shut due to a wine-induced hot tub incident and she hasn't been able to consume solids in about a month. It's POSSIBLE that these outfits might like a smidgen better once the 10 or so pounds make their big come-back. wait.... hahahahahahaha, i doubt it.

The message reads as follows--

"For your viewing pleasure!

All of the following fashion items were purchased around 1999. I tried them on today to see if there's anything I should possibly save...the rest I can try to sell on ebay or just donate.

Cast your vote for each item!

Navy pinstripe suit
Cream button-down shirt
Navy flats
Black skirt suit
White shell
Black flats
Red mock turtleneck
Black pumps

first of all Em, this pose is hilarious. Was Elinor directing you or did you just come up with that move all on your own? I must say that the 'red mock turtleneck' really accentuates your golden California tan, though.

Oh my god. This is SO fugly. Nice choice of undershirt on this one. Are you planning on wearing this to an interview?
mmmm unemployment line, here you come.

Now, one would think that you would've worn this blouse underneath suit #1. Although, this outfit doesn't completely make me want to spew my turkey sandwich all over my freshly washed sheets. Next...

Well, I can tell that Ellen Degeneres book I bought to cheer you up really rubbed off. This outfit screams 'I like the ladies', but who am I to judge?

Well... I guess you can open up your very own Ebay store entitled 'Emily's House of Fugly' and make a fortune.
Or maybe you can just construct some new chew-toys for your parrot and cockatoo.
Better yet, you should throw everything in the garbage.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

A JAP's Guide to Budgeting, Dieting and Infrequent Sobriety.

I'm on a budget...and a diet... really... I am.

Monday - April 9th, 2007

My good friend Dan invited me to his comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Lovely, I thought! A wonderful $5 cultural event to lift my spirits after an always-so-hellish Monday afternoon spent dillydallying in my cubicle, eating a vast array of uber-fiberous vegetation, laundering, ellipticaling for 35 minutes and tending to my excessive amounts of Judaism-induced body hair via my blow dryer and a Venus razor.

On my way over to the theater, I got a call from Coleen.

"Meet us at Dino's Party House!!!"

Dino's WHAAAT?! As an unofficial member of AA, anything with the words 'Party House' makes me want to kick off my Nike high-top sneaks, funnel a beast ice and sing my finest karaoke-rendition of Paula Cole's 'Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?'

So off I went to the Party House, located about 3 blocks away from the theater.

There were a total of 6 people in the entire bar - two of which were my friends, one the bartender, two were making out passionately in the corner and the sixth... a lonesome, tan-skinned man playing a game of PhotoHunt.

As I sipped my Blue Moon, said man started hitting on Coleen. And when I say hitting on, I mean he actually told her he would like to make love to her. Yesssss, make LOVE. He then proceeded to buy us cheap vodka shots and tell Michelle and I that he would also be interested in having sex with us, but that he would only make love to Coleen.

I told him that wouldn't be necessary, and that some more shots would be just fine.

20 minutes later, we collected our coats, said farewell to our new man-friend, and made our way over to the theater. I had no intentions of drinking more beverages... that was, until I saw that magical sign.
$2 PBR.

There is a god!!!!

I sat next to Dan's parents, drank several delicious Pabsts, journeyed to a small pub called Walter's which included a drunk woman with newborn-baby, took an $8 taxi-ride home, ate microwavable dumplings and set my alarm for 8am.

Tuesday - April 10, 2007

I had really wonderful intentions on Tuesday afternoon. It was ASPCA day, and I planned on heading down to Union Square with Mel after work to look/make out with all of the puppies, raid the salad bar at Whole Foods and go home and do nice things like watch repeats of I Love New York.

Around 3pm, I got a text from my buddy Flounder -- "Happy Hour?"

Ohhhh, how I despise turning down a perfectly good happy hour.

Me: "Mel... want to grab a beer first before the puppies?"
Mel: "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS... is he bringing his guy friends?"

We coerced Monique into joining our beverage festivities, and off we went to Local to join the Flound-Man & Co.

Flounder loves a good drinking game, and with the help of the $1 Coors Light happy hour special, I was able to get drunk all the while maintaining my allocated beverage budget for the week. And the beers were LIGHT. All 5 of them. Hence, my diet budget.

As 8 o' clock approached, I said farewell to my buddies, walked a drunken Mel to Grand Central and hurried home to watch American Idol. Not to mention, I was quite fungry at this point and couldn't wait to cook up an asian stir fry feast complete with wasabi peas, pineapple tidbits and anything else that tastes spectacular while doused in teriyaki sauce and eaten in a drunken frenzy.

On the elevator ride up to my apartment, I dug through my purse in search of my keys. I took out my disposable tupperware, my coffee thermos, my wallet, sunglasses, kashi granola bars.... UH-OH.... left them in my gym bag...which is in my cubicle... which is 11 blocks and 1 avenue away, which if i go back means i'll miss all of American Idol and I don't have TIVO... and then I won't see Sanjaya and my life will be OVER! mehhhhhhhhhh!

And this is when I realized the joys of paying over a grand in rent. DOOOOOOOORMAN.

Thankfully, I was able to get into my apartment only 20 minutes late for Idol. I watched Sanjaya flambouyantly prance around the stage all the while cooking my Asian splendor, and even found the time to convince Hillary into meeting an Italian-Turkish-Jewish JDater. And then I set my alarm for 8am.

Wednesday - April 11th, 2007.

I did not drink! I did not spend money! I even managed to smoke pot in my kitchen wearing only my underwear while simultaneously eating leftover cold pork dumplings. HOORAH!

Thursday - April 12th, 2007.

Damn you, Jon Ames. Thanks for leaving Local Radio Buying without a replacement and giving me all of your god-damn-skanky-ass-assistant-bitch work to do.

Lucky for you, I accept happy hour propositions as apologies. They BETTER have some mofo good drink specials.

As I gorged on $3 Blue Moons, $2 soco-lime shots, and assorted fried calamari bits, I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I always get a little excited when I don't recognize a phone number, and hoped it could possibly be a headhunter offering me a job naming nail polish colors, or maybe even Yolanda Vega telling me I won tonight's Pick 6 and to come collect my mill.

"HELLLOOOOOOO?!" I drunkenly slurred.

"Hi Jessica. This is ldkfgjgel;trkjg"

"WHO?! Who is THIS?!" I yelped.

"Jessica. This is Dr. Faust. I was just calling to tell you I got your blood test results back"


"They came back negative."

Boooooom Shaka Laka, I ain't dying of any weird-stomach-pain-induced-diseases! Well, at least not this week.

Still feeling the effects of my medical buzzkill, I decided it would be best to go home, microwave turkey meatballs, call my mother and fall asleep before 10pm.

Friday - April 13th, 2007.

Ahhhhhhh Friday. FINALLY, I can enjoy my life once again!

Due to the 10+ hours of sleep I received, I was actually able to attend the gym during lunch. Yeah, I was shocked, too.
As an added bonus, I was even able to elliptical my way through 40 minutes of Save the Last Dance Part 2 (Did you know there was a PART 2?!) and then proceeded to lay on the mats and laugh at Mel who only agreed to go to the gym because she really needed to take a shower.

I was feeling particularly wonderful because it was bow-chicka-bow-wow... PAYDAY.

After work, I cheerily frolicked down third avenue and straight into French Nails, for a brown-esque manicure and a 10 minute back massage by the god-of-all-nail-salon-massueses-of-my-LIFE.

I decided to keep it a low-key night in preparation for Saturday's Sake Bombing Fiesta, and met Ashley for dinner down in the Financial District. A few innocent fish tacos turned into 2 size-of-my-head frozen margaritas, an $80 bill and a buzzed subway ride to mmmmm... Woodside, Queens.

Saturday - April 14th, 2007

I spent the next day cruising down Queens Boulevard with Ryan in his pimped-out Rav 4. I had a burning desire to go shopping at Target, and we found one located in the most inconvient sort of mall-type-thing on the side of the Boulevard from Hell.

After a lovely diner meal and some assorted discount shoe-shopping, I beached myself on his couch for as long as possible until making my way back home to prepare for the cheap sushi and many a sake bomb that would soon be taking up residence in my liver.

My evening was one giant Asian-induced blur. Hmmm... are you seeing the pattern, too?

I was about 5 sake bombs deep before the food even arrived. Same for Ashley, who desperately needed alcohol in order to shmooze her questionably homosexual yet still undeniably sexy new roommate.

I reminisced with a long lost friend who actually wanted my babies circa 10th grade and yes... even sent me the first...errr..ONLY roses I have ever recieved. To thank him, I decided I would spill three-quarters of my $12 mango mojito all over his lovely Lacoste shirt and then coerce him into purchasing my next beverage. Tadaaaa.

Sunday, April 15th

Slept till 11. Woke up. Ate leftover turkey club from Queen's diner. Fell back asleep. Woke up at 4:30pm. Facebook stalking. Canned clam chowder. Microwaved an eggroll. Blogging. VH1's Charm School Starts tonight. Set my alarm for 8am. Looking forward to Happy Hour.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

New Message from Mr. Wonderful

Lately i've been wondering why people bother to pay for internet dating services when they can choose from a vast array of sketchy Staten Islanders and ambiguously gay Manhattanites completely free of charge! While I tend to use My Space for general stalking purposes, recently i've been getting a wild influx of male suitors filling up my Gmail inbox each day.
Honestly, I don't get it. My profile picture isn't slutty. I'm wearing clothes. I'm wearing tie-dye for christs sake!! My hair is skanky, i look hungover...errr... i am hungover, and my oh so un-exciting boobs are no where in sight!
See what I mean?

But yet, the men are going nuts for my hot Jewish ass.

Let's begin...

From: Mr. Wonderful
Subj: Mitzvah
happy passover!

~m :)

ps: don't worry about me...I sold my soul to the devil years ago ;)

Dear Mr. Wonderful

You sound wonderrrrrrrful. Happy Passover to you as well. Does it bother you that I accidently ate eggplant parm pizza last night? Nope, it wasn't on matzoh.
I don't get your p.s. Does that mean you want to have sex?

From: BiLLz
Subj: Add Me U Kno U Want 2
Add Me U Kno U Want 2

Hi BiLLz,
I really like your use of the number 2. It's so meaningful. I'm getting kind of wet just thinking about adding you to my friends list. Ahhh, I gotta go.

From: Mr. Swanky
Subj: whats up?
Hey, My name is Manny, wondering if you go out to clubs usually?

Hi Manny,
I like your name. I don't usually go clubbing, but my cubicle neighbor Monique does. Last weekend her drunk friend Shawanda got in a fight with some Spanish broad, weave pulling and all. I heard that shit was craaazaaaaay. I bet she might go to a club with you. Want me to inquire?

From: Moshe
Subj: Jessica!

OK, I am gonna be gay and say, Oh my God, you are such a doll.

I liked all your pics, u seem so vibrant, I would love to treat to
dinner coffe, hot chocolate or whatever, even a broadway. Tell me
you're single and that we can go out sometime, no strings attached.


Shalom Moshe,
I like your pics, too. Especially the one of you smoking a joint. Are you a gay stoner? I've never met one.
Are you gonna treat me to alllll of those things? That would be nice, considering i'm really broke right now and NYC taxes have recently decided to take away more money from my paychecks. Don't they know i'm already paying $2.99/lb for shitty ass mealy gala apples?!? Oy.

From: Edd
Subj: hi
what a poor 'about me' section... you can do better than that...

Hi Edd,
Sorry to disapoint you. I used to have a longer 'about me' section where I talked about how my bed has wheels and it moves across my floor and how the only thing i'm capable of is consuming asian food. But really, who cares?
I like that you spell your name with 2 d's though. Your mom is probably really creative.

From: Georgey

Hi Georgey,
So, you think i'm a sweetheat? That's nice. You're right about being sweaty. I went to the gym during lunch, and of course there just wasn't enough time to shower. So here I am... sweaty.
It really turns me on when you use all caps like that. MMMM GEORGEY.

Subj: No Subject
Hi there Jessica, i like your profile, especially the pictures, (the
one holding the beer is the bomb!) ... I was wondering maybe we can
chat sometime. I still don't get your headline :(
Hope to hear from you soon Jess.


Which picture of me holding the beer? It seems I am holding a beer in every single picture. But, thanks. I'm pretty good at holding beer.

From: Dave
Subject: No Subject
What's a sock hop?

Hiiii Dave,
You know... poodle skirts. Grease lightning. Fuckin' let's twist again like we did last summer? Wait, is that a sock hop? OK, bye.

From: Sami
Subject: Hey
hi jessica how are you u look really cute great pictures u have there
by the way ..and u seem nice too .. sorry i dont know exactely what
where to start,not that i dont mean it to be honnest i was just
browsing throu this thing and your beauticul face caught my eye :).. i
tried to read a little through your profile and i loved it :) so i
thought i d write a couple of words, and i hope i ll get a chance to
talk to you soon and get to know alittle more about you.
write back soon

Hi Sami,
I wish i could take a look at your 'beauticul' face too but it seems your face has been replaced with a photo of a palm tree, and alas... your profile is private. what's a girl to do?

From: Joseph
Subj: Is that your kitten?
it's awfully cute. any chance you use AIM or anything like that?

Hi Joseph,
Yessss, that's my kitten. Her name is Sweet Potato and we bought her for $10 from a crackhead in Syracuse, New York.
Nah, i don't use AIM. I never really got into technology. I use Morse Code, though. Feel free to get in touch.

From: Hirts
Subj: Models
Wassup, I think you are gourgaeous, and I want to know if you want to
model for me?


I'll model for you. I've got really great feet. Size 9 and a half. Sometimes a 10. I've even got a hunter green pedicure.
What do you pay?

From: Gori
Subject: London 2 NYC
Hey steph..

(You look incredibly beautiful in the picture, is that you? I'm just
curious to know)

Well, I was just browsing through a few profiles and yours really
grabbed my attention! You seem like a pretty interesting person and
i'd love to get to know you better..

I'm originally from Kensington London but I've just moved to NYC to
work on broadway and I'm LOVING it! U guys really do know how to

I know it mite seem a bit weird this, but it'd be nice to learn a bit
about you. Like what you like to get up2..what kinda music are you

by the way, you're really cute in the pictures (wow!!)

hope 2 hear from you soon..


Hi Gori,

Yes, that's me in the photo. I know, I know. Some people are like WOW, you look just like Angelina. But good looks just run in the family. Thanks Marvin!

Before we go any further, you steal my heart and i give birth to our biracial babies... I just need to know one thing. Who's Steph?

From: Aaron
Subj: No Subject
You are a decent looking Jewish girl.

Dear Aaron,

You don't know shitttt. Gori from London thinks i'm damn fine, as does Mr. Wonderful, Moshe, Georgey and Hirts.
I seriously kind of hate you.