Sunday, June 24, 2007


God, it's really fucking hot outside. So hot, i'm contemplating retiring my hair straightener. Sooo hot, wearing underwear has become a chore. Sooo fucking hot, i've started sweating underneath my boobs, and it aiiiiin't pretty.

What is one to do when waiting for the subway in the most humid, rancid, 105 degree underground heat?

I bought a dress. It cost me $22 at Forever 21 and it is the most perfect summer dress for activities including but not limited to working, churning butter, calling out sick and easy access sexual activity.

Problem: It's mighty boobalicious (2nd mention of BOOBS!) and in return forces every nasty, nasty man in Times Square and Woodside, Queens to look me up and down and throw out a "HEEEEY MAAAAMI!" or if i'm lucky, a "HEEEEY SEXY MAMI!".

It's a love/hate relationship.
On one hand, my bod must be looking mighty sexy. I'm not as grotesquely obese as I imagine! hoorah and hooray!
On the other, i feel like these stinky mexican/homeless/hallucinating admirers are touching their penises and thinking of me:The boob-sweating Jewish girl extraordinaire!

This was what happened on Saturday afternoon. I pranced all over town in my dress, being cat called and hating it but secretly loving it. No need to feel guilty about those 17 brownies I ate last night! The 39th street homeless man with half-dead dog and negative 18 teeth thinks i look great. Might as well supersize that #3! Mmmmmm

As the afternoon turned into evening, I decided to head home and prepare for my evening festivities. I stopped into my local grocer to pick up some berries and milk and such, and headed to the cash register, still feelin' hot and sexy and basically like Murray Hill's Next Top Model.

"Hey, how are you today?" asks 19 year old braided-haired register man.

"I'm really good, thanks!" - meeeee

Register Man- stares at my stomach region

Me- feeling weiiiiird. feeling reallllllly weird.

Reg-Man "Aw... so you're expecting, huh?"

Me- " Yeah, no i'm not pregnant."

Reg-Man "Ahhhhhhhhh shit, im so sorry"

Me- "Uhhhh, yeah it's okay. I just drink a lot of beer, I guess.

Reg-Man "Daaaaaaaaaaamn girl. How much beer do you drink?"

I paid for my fucking fat free food items and ran home and cried in my bed for seven minutes.

Then I called 3 friends, all who proceeded to tell me that they have been mistaken for preggers before, and to calm the fuck down and that it was probably just my super-in-style-pregnantesque-dress.

Anyone want to buy a dress? 10 dolla!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Five Years From Now...

At home last weekend I noticed an envelope sitting on my kitchen table. It was addressed to me care of Old Bridge High School West, and upon closer inspection I realized I had sent this letter to myself.
As I slid my finger underneath the flap, I instantly knew what my envelope contained. This wasn't going to be pretty.

Senior year Ms. Mennona, who I recently found out was caught doing the nasty mc. nasterson with a female student, asked us to write letters to ourselves outlining what we hoped to accomplish in five years time. Sighhhhhhhh.

Dear Jess,

There's about 3 months till I leave for college, and i'm kind of nervous. I'm ready to leave my parents, but not my friends. Right now, I am 5'4" with highlighted hair and in really good shape. I don't think too much will change with my looks in 5 years.

(Dear Jess,

College is much fucking better then highschool. Don't worry about leaving your friends, as you will only keep in touch with about 4 of them. Your hair is now a shade of purple, with some heinous dark brown roots coming in. You've also drank enough beer to fill up a mack truck, and in return have went up about 3 pant sizes. On a positive note- your boobs are much bigger.)

Some goals that I have for the next five years are to do really well in college, try new things (maybe karate or fencing), make a lot of new friends and become somewhat career oriented. I really hope I get a great paying job my first year out of college. My dream is to own a hotel or restaurant.

(Hahahaha... seriously? In college, you achieved the title of Winstoned, due to the excessive amounts of marijuana you smoked pre-class, post-class, pre-dinner, uhh... all the time. You definitely tried some new activites, including but not limited to gravity bongs, 10-foot bongs, frequent alcohol-induced black outs and promiscuous sex. You did well in college, mainly due to the fact you majored in Retail Management, and are now an entry level media slave, earning a mere 30 grand in the most expensive city in the country. Congrats, you dumbass biatch.)

Something that I do hope to change in 5 years are some of my qualities. These include me being a little to: impatient, emotional, jealous, self-conscious, picky and critical. Hopefully i'll be working on a little self improvement.

(No such luck, friend. You are a beast when it comes to criticizing others, specifically for their uneven/bushy/rainbow/drawn-on eyebrows.)

What I like about myself? My ability to make others laugh and to be 'just one of the guys'. I hope that in 5 years from now, I am still trying to find the humor in every situation I face. I also hope that i'll still love the thrill of meeting new people and going out to have a good time.

(God, you are one cheesy ass 17 year old. Finally, an accurate prediction. Why, i LOVE going out to have a good time. Especially, when the good time includes 7 Heinekens, 5 gin and tonics, falafel sandwiches and sexual activity. Hoorah!)

What's important to me most: My parents, even though they're irritating and ask the same question 20 times in a row. I love my sisters - in 5 years, Sarah might even be married! And Emily, well she might still be with Elinor. I'm sure they will both me really successful.

(Ohhhh Ellen. She still loves to repeat herself, after all these years. And damn, i'm good. Sarah is married, Emily's still a lesbian. Successful? Errr... not so sure. But at least they now own dogs, cats and talking birds. Didn't see that coming...)

What's going on in my life right now: Senior prom is this Friday and then off to Wildwood this weekend. I'm really excited but I don't want it to be over. Graduation is so soon, and i've been so busy trying to get things done. I should be employed by Wawa by Wednesday and I need to fill out a lot of papers for Syracuse. It's kind of stressful because i'm really used to doing nothing.

(Now there's the Jess I know and love. Bitchhh, you didn't even work at Wawa though, what the hell are you talking about? You're still used to doing nothing. Look, you're blogging at work! You cringe when given any form of work assignment, and take 2 hour lunch breaks every single day! Good job!!)

Well, I guess that's all that can be said for the moment. I'm ready to face whatever the future throws at me. Cya in 5 years!

Love, Jess

(Weed, Beer, Weed, Beer, Weed, Beer, Graduation, Work, Beer Beer Beer. Oh and you're poor.)

Love, Jess

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


This hotel is great... if you like mosquitos crawling into your asshole all night long delivering you malaria while trying to fall back asleep in your twin-sized bed after 2 hours of buffet-induced food poisoning. (the paella was DELICIOUS!)

The water is soo clear and the sand is perfect. Just make sure to show up before 7am or else it gets really crowded and you'll have to lay out by the pool instead. Speaking of the pool... WOW! It was seriously wonderful, but don't let your kids drink the water!! Little Jimmy had diarrhea for last 6 days of the trip. Poor kid, he couldn't even enjoy the breakfast buffet (he LOVED the french toast!!)without sprinting back up to our room to use the bathroom, which only backed up 9 times the entire trip!
Don't believe those other reviews, either! We had hot water the whole vacation!! We just had to take our showers between the hours of 2 and 5am. Not a problem...

The maid service was perfect. Well, the first 2 days our sheets and towels went unchanged, but a nice couple we met in the lobby told us the secret! You just need to leave the maids little trinkets each day. We gave Margarite chocolate bars, a bible and a set of ear plugs, among other things. She really loved us, and even started crying when we realized our safe had been broken into and all of our passports and my wedding ring had been stolen! She was so sympathetic. If you're reading this, Hi Margarite!!

All in all, The Punta Cana Rio Bamboo All Inclusive resort was well worth our money. You won't regret it!

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, here I come!!!!!