Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I'm Wearing Long Johns and it's 90 Degrees.

I did it. I got BANGED!
I really don't want to talk about it, though.

Ryan: Your hair looks great!
Me: I look like the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond!!!!!

Not my finest decision, but much MUCH better then the time I crawled home from my office christmas party and had to pee sooooo bad. So bad that I couldn't wait until my roommate got out of the shower and I umm.. emptied my bladder into a bastard Duane Reade bag in the middle of my bedroom, blinds wide open. Mmmmm, memories.

It seems this week is NYC's equivalent of fleet week... for police. I live and work right near the United Nations building. I can actually see it right now! From my bed! While watching Rachael Ray make burgers! In my awesome new thermal long johns! discounted 20% at Loehmann's!

There are seriously 30 police officers on every single corner. It's scary but comforting, except for when I went to Starbucks this afternoon and discovered the entire population of the latte line was in charge of saving my life. Sweeeeeeet.
Anyway, some are butchy ladies and some are quite awkward looking, but a decent amount are actually quite sexy. Specifically the ones located in front of the overpriced Mexi restaurant on 51st and 3rd. Laaaaadies, stop complaining about your lack of an orgasm and get yourself over to the east side NOW. These cops look mighty bored/horny.

Exciting news! I bought 2 new pairs of jeans (at previously mentioned Loehmann's!) and they were totally giving that shit away. I got 2 pairs of my first ever fancy, shmancy designer jap-jeans for super cheap which basically made me feel like the Queen of England except i'm jewish and curse a lot more. Only problem- I think they were made for the most giant woman in the universe, vertically speaking. I had to get them altered for $40!!!!! I paid $40 for one pair! I wish that was a joke.

Do you think that the dry cleaner union and the jeans-i-will-never-afford-full-price-and-sometimes-give-me-camel-toe-union have come together to completely fuck over all ladies under 6'5"?!?!?!

And if you really want to know what's on my mind right now, it's the Biggest Loser.
It's only week numero three, and holy shit, no one is losing more than 2 pounds! I want 20 pound losses and i want them now! I feel like i'm watching a super unflattering spandexy version of a Weight Watchers meeting.
PLUS, last night when the blue team lost they kicked off Jerry!! he's like 63 years old and lost more weight than all you other bitches and just wants to get fit for his grandkiddies!

By the way, I decided that the cutest thing in the whole wide world is an old man eating an ice cream cone. I don't know what it is! I just don't know...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

To Bang or Not to Bang(s)

Now that i'm poor and sans Marvin's Visa, i find that i get really excited by things other than cardigans and eyebrow waxings.
Such as:

1. Running down the escalator, practically domestic-style-abusing the asian man who is standing on the WRONG side(STAY TO THE RIGHT, SIR!) and just as the radiation of the 1,000 degree subway heat hits my face, the train is-a-comin' for me!
2. That random ass deli on 45th and 3rd. The grill-man seriously wants to do me, and when i ask for my mozzarella omelette, i swear there is no less than a half pound of cheese in that biatch! PLUS, plus... he is totally hooking it up when he jots down the price on the container...
visit #1 - $3.25
visit #2 - $3 and a smiley face
visit #3 - $2.75 ... big smiley face
visit #4 - $2! and a big fat heart with his phone number/peen-size posted inside.

juuuust kidding. but seriously $2!!!!

Now, let's see. My birthday was Monday and i decided to throw myself a big karaoke orgy fest to celebrate.
I needed to be looking fiiiiiine seeing as I hadn't eaten bread or any of bread's relatives in the past 2 months and therefore had to show off my newly 7 pound thinner bod. Oohhh docta Atkins, french me now!!

Anyway, i bought a dress because there was nothing at all in my closet!! (LIE!) I got it at Banana and while i thought to myself "hmmm.. this is kind of short" i didn't care because it was flattering and wonderful and had the potential to be very forgiving just in case i drank 20 beers and 20 jumbo pretzels. Yes i know i just said drink the pretzels!! if ONLY!

The day after my dress purchase, I went home to the Jerz for one of the many Jew-Holidays that totally ruins all weekends of September.

Me: "Mom! I bought a very cute dress at Banana for my party"
Mom: "Ooh! Show me online!" (Ohhh mama loves her America Online!!)


Me: "okay... let's see" ::clicks dresses:: "It's not here! Maybe because it's so new and sooo wonderful?!"
Mom "That seems very strange"
Me: "OH! Uhhhh-ohhhh"
Mom: "What? Is that it? That's a shirt, Jess!"
Me: "Whoops!"

So, I wore a shirt with no pants to my party while simultaneously singing Natalie Imbruglia's 'Torn' on stage where i'm sure the entire bar saw my sexy yet sensible beige underwear. Ugh, and don't think i usually wear the beige undies. My dress...errr...shirt was see-through, too! OY!
But like they say, it's my party and i'll be a hooker if i want to.
Don't worry, mom. Not a real hooker. No one pays me! But a girl can dream...

Here are some pictures. I wish i had a full-bod shot so i could show you my ass hangin' out ma shirt but i promise i'll try to acquire one ASAP!

1. This is me very drunk and singing. A big thanks to Hannah for completing the ultra-ho look with that smokey black eyeliner. Yum!
In the back of me is Mel, my lovely co-worker. She is so drunk... sooo drunk... that the next morning my sis Em confessed that Mel be hittin' on her. NIIIIIIICE! <--said very Borat-like.

2. This is Sarah's Russian hubby. He seems to be... blacked out. And he puked in my dirty bathroom the next morning which confirms it. Hey mom, check out your son-in-law!

3. This is Emily bustin' a few of her early 90's rap-esque dance moves. Normally, i would make fun of her but honestly she got hit on by every man/my work lady friend in the bar! first, i see her chatting up a random canadian. Then, one of Ryan's drunk friends! JEEEEZ, Em! keep it in your pants!

4. This is Ryan's BFF Brad's crotchal region. Tadaaaaa

woo! 23 years old! the excitement!

Tomorrow i have a hair cut/color at my most favoritist japanese salon where they give 10 minute head massages! mmmmm! Luckily it's yom kippur, so i'm pullin' the jew card and getting out of work at 3:30 so i can make it to my 4 o clock appointment and then starve myself with my beautiful hair! but that is not the point....
I MIGHT GET BANGS!!!! What are your thoughts?
Not the super poofy Emily circa '92 bangs. i want them to sweep! sweep my forehead, bangs!!! like Nicole Richie but not!
i'm very scared and i might not go through with it, but if i look very ugly when this is all over i hope you will all still be my friends!

okay, iron chef is on. BYE!!!!

P.S. A big shout out to my newest reader... dundundun... Ryan's mom. Hi!!! :)
But that's another story.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Strippers, Camel Toes, Etc.

Here are some things i've been thinking about.

I walk to work every morning. 11 blocks, 2 avenues. More often then not, I end up leaving my apartment when I should be arriving at work because of a major clock discrepancy between my cable box and my microwave. Nine months later, i still haven't figured out which one is correct. But thankfully, i don't give a shit because showing up late = less time until my 2 hour lunch break. yay!

I did have a point, though.
Who are all these people jogging down 2nd avenue at 9:15 on a Tuesday morning? Don't you have a job? A family to support? How do you afford all of those designer jeans and mocha soy lattes and books you actually purchased at Barnes & Noble and not HOOOOOW?!?

And the middle aged biatches walking their doggies and lovingly poop-scooping? You're not 16. You're not of retirement age. You look like every other large lady who works in my office, so why aren't you in an office? Puh-leeeeze, you are kind of ugly and i really don't think some sexy ass rich man is supporting you in midtown Manhattan in return for your very unhot piece of ass. Grrrrrrrrr....

But in all seriousness, HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Working sucks a fat, fat, fat one. But mama needs a paycheck cause mama can hardly afford her rent and because of this her own mama gotta help. Thanks, mommy. Specifically for last weekend's Banana Republic shopping spree. And all of those ultra supportive calvin klein bras. Oh, and the box of tissues and shaving cream I swiped from the hallway closet... errr..

I could strip, i guess. Ryan likes my boobs, but personally, I think they are kind of far apart. It runs in the family. Em showed me her boobs in the 'adult pool' in Vegas last summer and they were kinda spread out. Same complaints from Sarah.
I wonder if i get it from mom or dad or maybe uncle harold?
Sorry, this is gross.
Some people have such great cleave. Natural cleave. Hillary, you've got great cleavage. I can't believe the dorky jewish man of your dreams hasn't come along yet and gotten himself a piece of that. I would. Definitely.

Speeeeeaking of strippers and boobs:

My friend Krystal is supa cool and apparently supa horny because for her 24th birthday she demanded a party and lots of appetizers and a starbucks card AND a thong-clad stripper.
A few weeks ago, she summoned me over to the west siiiide to watch Big Brother and internet search for a sexy man stripper.

Seeing as we are all poor/spend all of our money on manicures and pedicures and overpriced frozen yogurt... we umm.... we went a tad low budg on the entertainment.

For a mere $10 per person (plus the 3 singles i shoved in Rico's fab fruit of the loom undies!), this is what we got.

LEFT: Internet-Rico

He was balding and love handlish and his underwear looked very... worn.

Here's some more XXX photos for your viewing pleasure.

The birthday girl, getting exactly what she paid for...

Ashley getting squashed while Rico plays with his 40 year old nipples.

Enough of that. I'm getting way too exicted.

Today i decided to skip the gym because I found a more exciting way to fit in my daily cardio. I walked to Bloomingdales and although I really wanted to shoplift everything in sight, I decided to try on 4 pairs of $200+ jeans for absolutely no reason. My jeans are all cheap and crappy and have that oh-so-comforting spandex stretch but i just wanted to know... are they worth it?

I tried on 2 pairs of Sevens, 2 pairs of Citizens of Humanity and you know what?

SO, this is what i hoped you've learned today.

If you marry rich and find yourself walking dogs instead of going to work, i hope you either have a very tiny vag or maybe just get it removed so you can fit into all of your $200 jeans.

P.S. i love you, Rico!