Monday, October 22, 2007

Pee in a Cup

Why are those W2 forms so difficult to understand?
Single? Check
Kids? Ahhhhhh no, that baby never would've survived my job-quitting-alcohol-binge.
Head of Household? Uhhh. Well, I live with this girl and her boyfriend in a tiny, shitty, dirty apartment. I have the master bedroom and sometimes I cook, so YES. But wait, mom pays my cell phone bill and sometimes I steal cans of tuna from her cabinet... Uhhhhhhhh...
Are you claiming things and then itemizing them? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!
Shit felt like I was taking a pop quiz, but much worse because my dumbassedness means the government is going to steal all of the money i don't even have!!!

Other exciting first day activities included my very first drug test!! WOOOOOOO!

After 3+ hours of orientation, it was finally time.
While my morning coffee/water combo usually calls for at least 4 trips to the toilet, I made the horrible mistake of saving it all up for THE TEST.
At 11am, I made my way over to the medical establishment located a few blocks away. I had to go baaaad, but i figured i'd get in, enjoy my pee and get out quickly and quietly.
First I had to wait in line.
Then I had to fill in the drug test paperwork equivalent to the W2.
Watch old people drinking water.
Watch ghetto people looking very afraid because you know they smoked last night and just drank that magic cleansing beverage.
Cross my legs. Gottttta peee.
Praying to god the receptionist calls my name next. The same mulleted woman who took my license and then proceeded to tell me for 20 minutes how her entire family lives in my town.
Other office lady turns on the TV.
At least I can watch Ellen.
Trying not to think about all of the pee inside of my body.


YESSSSSSS!!! I sprinted to the toilet area and grabbed my cup.

"Don't flush when you're done"

Just so you know, it's super hard not to flush!! It's like I was fucking born with the flushing gene! I couldn't even enjoy the experience because I was mentally repeating "don't flush, don't flush" in my head as I let out the most gigantic pee of 2007. I swear, this pee could've filled at least three of those sample cups!!!

And I didn't flush.

A proud moment in my life.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


Q: What do you get when you combine crab cakes, one guava mojito, french fries, meatloaf, 2 german lagers and 3 bites of pepperoni pizza?


Me: Ryan, wake up!! i have food poisoning!!!!
Ryan: snores.
Me: Food poisoning! dizzy! gonna faint! stomach contractions!
Ryan: Whaaa? Want me to rub your tummy?
Me: NOOOOOO!! ::runs back to toilet::

Well, that was my weekend.

I also have to tell you that i'm drunk...

I'm not a degenerate though, i'm just quitting! so i should definitely drink margaritas, beer and tequila shots at 12:15 on a Monday...right??? RIGHT!

My boss just came over and said something to me, and I think I replied... I'm not sure. But then, the new boy Dave who sits 1 cubicle away just emailed me this:

From: DBahr
To: JWinston

You just had no idea what Pete said to you haha

And then I got this one from Mel:

From: MRuiz
To: JWinston


So that is THAT.

I wish I could say more right now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dirty Penis!

I am wrapped in my puffy yellow comforter eating a very greasy eggroll a la Ming's Delight.
Wait. Go Back. I have a terrential-downpour-induced-afro, which wouldn't be quite so bad if it weren't for those god damned bangs. Additionally, i'm eating anonymous fried things and maybe a cat... in my sheets... which i haven't cleaned since... since...

Anyway, not important!

Guess what?



Now before you pull out your shitty Nokia to call and yell at me because you think i am a lazy fuck that cannot hold jobs because they are full time, and because i have to wear pointy, uncomfortable shoes on my jumbo feet or just maybe, because the long hours are really interfering with my dream of walking dogs and attending 3pm knitting classes in Bryant Park... listen here!

I am a DESIRABLE candidate! WOO, finally! Apparently, word didn't get out about the 2 hour lunch breaks and excessive blogging and drawing pictures on Microsoft Paint featuring me with spread legs and lots of hot wax on my vag. (Someone, please remind me to delete these off of my company computer!!)
I was hired... offered more money... and will receive discounts on shoes and shirts and lots of wonderful items which i will potentially spend my entire salary on! YESSSSSS!!!

Next Wednesday is my last day of media buying hell, giving me a fatty 4 day weekend with which i hope to get very drunk and also manage to lose 12 pounds so that I will be the hottest chick at the mandatory drug test on Monday.

Don't worry, i haven't smoked ye ol' ganj in like 3 weeks, and it was like... one puff. or three. and it was only because i wanted to be hungrier for the thai food, and then of course i needed it for the tummy-ache that ensued immediately after. peaaaanut sauce.

I am excited, though! Not for the working part, but for the discounts and also for the fact i will never again have to look at those fucking bitches who work in my office and give me dirty looks in the ladies room. EXCUUUUSE MEEE for pooping too loudly for your liking!! IT'S A BATHROOM!

I'm also pleased with my decision because get THIS:
Yesterday, i walked over to Just Salads, which is my favoritist salad joint in all of midtown east. Unfortunately, it's also the most expensive... So being the thrifty gal I am, I munched down half of my tuna/tomato/cuke/other stuff i can't remember salad and put the rest in the fridge for today. This way, instead of eating one $10 salad, i would be able to enjoy two $5 salads! BRILLIANT!

Cue lunch time today.

Me: walks into kitchen. shoves sweet-n-lows into my pocket. (gotta stock up!) opens fridge. rummages around. opens little drawers at the bottom. GAWKS!!!


FYI, my company doesn't reimburse for stolen salads, and so I dragged my ass a few blocks to Wendy's for a jr. cheeseburger deluxe and a side salad. $2.48! They're just giving that shit away, aren't they?! My oh my.

Okay, also. I need to discuss... America's Most Smartest Model?! WHAT!!! this show is amazing.
In case you haven't been watching, which i'm going to assume because your IQ is probably much higher then mine, this is a modeling competition for big fucking dumbasses!!!!!!

Anyway, the other day i'm walking on the treadmill and watching for the very first time.
The challenge was as follows:

One at a time, dumb model steps onto the runway. The Judges (INCLUDING BEN STEIN!) name a category. i.e. Capitals. Lakes, Dinosaurs, etc. Dumb model then has to do a sexy catwalk while naming as many items in the category as possible.

So everyone is stupid. One girl keeps repeating the same 2 items over and over so she can concentrate on how difficult walking in a straight line is. One guy thinks Seattle and Minneapolis are states. BUT, my favooooooorite was this.

Ben Stein: Your category is: Things that smell.

Dumb yet amazing model: "Dirty Penis."

He said it so seriously. Oh my god. I laughed/farted (laughrted?) on a treadmill in the middle of New York Sports Club. Don't you hate but kind of love when that happens?

Dirty Penis!!!!!!