Friday, July 25, 2008

Match These Doodies!

Here's the deal.
I asked 10 of my closest friends & fam to describe their latest doodies.
Your Task - Match each one of these people up with their poops. easy!!!
Please post your answers in my comments section - the winner receives a secret prize.

PEOPLE - and YES these are their real names!!! muhahaha

1. Sarah
2. Ashley
3. Ernie
4. Hannah
5. Sharmel
6. Dan
7. Mel
8. Blaire
9. Sean

Poop Descriptions
A. firm, brown and came out in 2 parts
B. I don't even look at my shit, woman. (liar!!!! EVERYONE LOOKS!)
C. "Phantom Shit" I swear a took a shit but when i looked in the toilet, nothing was there!
D. Normal, but dark.
E. Small & Corny
F. Sticky alcohol poop... had to wipe a lot!
G. Gross
H. Short because i was afraid someone would walk in. Only one squeeze and a hurried flush. No one likes to walk in on a plopper!
I. It was therapeautic! It cleaned my soul.
J. Right before lunch on the 14th floor. It was a runny one sorta like diarhea. It free flowed right outta my ass with the slightest push. I had to wipe extra good and get outta there, because the cleaning lady was banging on the door!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Poopy Dance

Spring has finally sprung, and my poop obsession is worse than EVER.
Let me explain.
I've always liked poop. Post-numero dos, i've gotta check mine out. It's been going on for such a long time now, that it's a total involuntary reaction, like eyebrow critiquing... or taking a big ol' whif of my own farts! I don't WANT to do it, i just do. I've gotta know!! I'VE GOT TO KNOW.
So anyway, here's what happened with the obsession.
i got a PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and damn, he is a major pooper.
His name is Ernie and he is 14 weeks old and a little buttercup of fur and love and chomps and smelly ass dumps.
I mean, this guy goes potty 4-5 times each day, it is totally crazy plus i'm a little jealous of his magical digestive system! At the rate he's going, you would think i'm feeding him chicken tikka masala for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

So, i have a poopy-bag dispenser attached to his leash, since i am kind of forgetful and don't want to be that girl whose pup takes a deuce on the driveway at the EXACT same moment that the soccer mommy is pulling her minivan in and I am bagless and need to run far, far away with my dumping doggy so i dont get fined or arrested or exiled from Hoboken for my lack of poop-pick-ups!

But here is when I knew my obession had gone over the top.

Yesterday, I took little Ernesto out in the backyard for a little unleashed romp session. He likes the backyard because it actually has grass, and i like it because there aren't any ciggy butts or bud light bottle pieces that he can chomp up.
I was on the phone with Ryan, discussing life and my indian food-induced tummy ache, when all of a sudden Ernie started doing... THE POOPY DANCE!!!
It goes a little something like this.
Sniff... sniffsniffsniff..
run to the left
run to the right
run back to the left
get back up, that spot's no good
run to the right
sniff sniff sniff
dance in a circle
POOP while staring at me with his "give me a chicken flavored treat because i am pooping outdoors" face.

Me- "Ooooh, Ryan!!! Ern just pooped!! GOOD BOYYY ERN! GOOD POOP!!!"
Ryan- "uhhhh, yay?"
Me- "Hmm... where did it go?? Ern, where's your poop?! i don't see it!!"
Ryan- "If you can't find it, just let it be... it's YOUR backyard."
Me- ::searching wildly and sniffing for the camoflagued poop::
Ryan "Jess?"

Unfortunately, I never found the poop. I am learning to let go. I don't ALWAYS need to see it... although... i'd really like to.

Hope you weren't eating your lunch, sorry :)

Also, here are some photos of my new little man!!!!

Little Shmernesto taking a nappy and dreaming of bacon and cream cheese:

Don't you just WANT to see his poop? The cutest poop in the universe!!!

Ern getting his first look at the female anatomy... ohhh maggie, you are such a SLUT!!!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Job Shmob.

You know what really pisses me off? One day after my last post, I got the best Google Search of ALL TIME on my blog-stalking program... and I was the #1 result!!!
drumroll pleeeaaaase...
"Port Authority this morning poop"
I am so proud!

Anyway, as you may or may not know, last week was my fist day back at my old job. Hmm... is anyone else noticing a pattern in my employment history?
Where is my rich husband?! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere?!?!

Below are the reasons why I quit my 4-month old job from hell.
Please, feel my pain!!!

Here goes...

1. no internet
2. no 2 hour lunch breaks. Ok, no 1 hour lunch break. Hmm... felt guilty leaving for a sandwich... aaahhhhhhhh
3. working weekends folding clothes and trying to understand weird Europeans who want me to try on a 10 year old boy's jacket because i am the same height but fatter. Or at least I think that's what she said. Great.
4. Mice in the bathroom. Mice poopies underneath my desk.
5. Cockroaches running out of the bathroom.
6. Sitting in a stinky stockroom in Paramus, NJ for 10 hours while scanning baby underwear.
7. This 8 and a half month pregnant biatch buyer who commuted from Queens, yet couldn't get out of her seat and walk 5 feet to the printer and would call me and make me fetch her shit, and one time asked me to go buy her pizza in 10 degree weather.
8. The fax machine. It was from 1991, I think. It made that silly AOL modem noise, and took approximately 10 minutes to send 2 pieces of paper. Plus, I had to fax every single order. Ohhhhhhh my.
9. Lack of cubicle. Sat in an office smaller then my childhood bedroom with 5 other women who only talked about pregnancies, being dilated and breast feeding their offspring. Made me want to vomit on my slacks. Couldn't make any private phone calls because everyone could hear everything. Couldn't fart. Couldn't blog.
10. Had to listen to assorted Spanish radio stations all days because of the 2 Spanish ladies in my shitty room. Couldn't eavesdrop on their conversations because they were in Spanish, yet they could hear everything I said. NOT FAIR.
11. That one girl from Long Island who gave me dirty looks everyday.
12. Monday meetings where I had to sit on the floor because apparently i was the least important person and better people got the chairs.
13. The time I got yelled at by the head of security because I let Sarah use my "family discount" but apparently sisters don't count as family?!?!
14. Did I mention I had to work on Saturdays?
15. The Financial District might just be the most depressing area of New York City, not counting my old, dirty, fuzzy-picture-framed apartment in Murray Hill. Mmmmm, how i loved riding into the remnants of the World Trade Center every morning.
16. No Dunkin Donuts in the vicinity.
17. Dressing mannequins in fugly Easter dresses.
18. Man with red mullet who emptied my garbage.
19. Smelly cafeteria.

That is all.

On a more exciting note, as I was walking home from the Path this evening, a possibly drunk/homeless man told me I looked like Fiona Apple.
Woohoo! Highlight of the day!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Jewish Girls Eat Ass!

I've finally made it to the big time!
I mean... I wasn't discovered or anything like that. No fabulous blog-turned-book deal or even a job that would allow me to utilize my sweet photo captioning skills...
BUT... This is ohh so much more exciting!

I've recently discovered that there's a way I can track the referring URLs that bring readers to my blog.
In normal-people terms...

It is completely amazing yet disturbing that I am mostly on the first page of results for these...uhh.. interesting phrases, which makes me wonder...
Is there something wrong with me?
What are other people blogging about that I would be the #2 Google result?? What's more important than reality tv, getting black out drunk and discussing all types of genitalia?

NOW... it is time to share with you.
drumrolllllll please.
My Top 10 List!!!...entitled:
"Help! I will most likely get arrested/fired for being linked to these google results!"

#10: "Lake Bryn Mawr Camp"
Yikes! One measley reference to my uber-jappy all girls sleepaway camp and suddenly i'm the god damned google spokesperon! I can see it now...
Overbearing Jewish mother wants to send her little Alana to sleepaway camp in the Poconos. She's heard about Bryn Mawr, but wants to learn more.
The lightbulb goes on. "I know... I'll google it!"
I can just imagine the look of horror on her face when she is referred to my site. The Bryn Mawr reference gives way to Emily's lesbian wedding escapade...
Guess who's not going to that all girls camp afterall?!

#9 "Kowloon Strip Clubs"
Hmm... I ate at a nasty Chinese restaurant called Kowloon! I guess that means it's a real place... in China? With strip clubs? Mmmm... come check out my asian stripper blog!!!

#8 "Penis Modeling"
Woohoo!! Now we're talkin'. Adventures of an Unemployed Penis Model! Now THAT would be an interesting read, don't you think? I knew this guy in college who had a dildo modeled after his junk. I think that is truly wonderful for him. OK, next..

#7 "Lady Hairs"
Uhh-ohhh. Why do I have this feeling that like... an 11 year old girl was searching lady hairs, trying to figure out why on earth she was growing her own?! AND THEN... she finds out that I waxed mine off in return for more oral! Whoops! :) Sorry little girl's mommy. ahhhhhhhh

#6: "Jewish Penis"
i LOVE that someone searched for Jewish Penis.
It's like... "I don't want to see any old penis!!! It's GOT to be Jewish!"
Superb!! Religious genitals.

#5: "Carnie Wilson Swallows"
What was this person trying to find!!! Carnie Wilson swallows WHAT?! I mean, i'm pretty up-to-date on Celeb sex-tape fiascos, and really... i've never heard of a Carnie Wilson one!! If there is one available though, someone please send it to me ASAP!!

#4 "Sexy Jewish Girls Fucked in Dress"
Wouldn't that be 50 times more hilarious if it was "Sexy Jewish Girls Fucked in Bat Mitzvah Dress"?!... That would've totally brought it to the #1 spot.
It's great though, because when I clicked on the link, I discovered I fell into result spot #2 - sandwiched between a site entitled 'Sexy Brunette in red dress sucks then fucks...' and 'Free Porn Videos! Paula Abdul in sexy pictures..."
Mommy aren't you proud of me??

#3 "Dirty Penis Cheese"
I don't think that I've used these words all together, but boy... that's good. Once again, I fall into the #2 result, right underneath Urban Dictionary: Dick Cheese: "Gross mold-like stuff that forms on a dirty penis" Mmmmmm...educational!

#2 "Fat Camel Toes"
Yes!!!!! I knew all my talk of camel toes would pay off one day!!! Fat Camel Toe sounds extra raunchy, though. Have you ever seen those weird Nike sneakers that you can run in but don't need to wear socks. The toe area is separated into 2 parts, making it look like a supa-fat camel toe. I hate those!

#1: "Jewish Girls Eat Ass"
Ok, let's try to get into the mindset. Horny guy... sits at computer...
says to himself "Maaaaaaan, I'd LOVE to see some Jewish Girls eatin' Ass!!!"
Personally, I don't think that's very kosher. Nor I have eaten any ass lately!
But I really hope he got what he was looking for!!