A rant about things i stick in my mouth.

On my way to the subway this morning, I got into a heated conversation about office food and beverage perks.
I actually have none, because the coffee in my office is the color of a really atrocious doodie and tastes like one, too.
But GET THIS.
A certain roommate of 37-55 Woodside gets FREE vitamin water, FREE fancy iced teas and... ugh, this makes me want to kill myself...
FREE GUACAMOLE!!!!

Am I worthless? Do my taste buds not matter?

I hate my life, except for i'm listening to Kelly Clarkson right now which is mildly inspirational because I bet that at one time or another she sat in a crappy cubicle just like mine and drank stinky coffee and had to use public bathrooms and make small talk with those jappy bitches at the 25 cent M&M machine. That's right! We don't even get free M&Ms!!!!

Today is kind of exciting, though because I will be attending my first official work Pot Luck fiesta lunch.
Now, you would think my obsession with the Food Network would mean i'm the next fucking Paula Dean. WROOOONG.

I wanted to dig deep into my recipe box for this one, but turns out i don't have one. So i thought hard about all of the items I know how to make that taste moderately yummy.

Brownies? No doubt I will digest them all before I even get to work.
Tuna Salad? That is just weeeeeeird. Plus, the mercury. Eh.
Cereal?
Microwavable chicken fingers??
Rolled up deli meats?!?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And that's when it came to me. One time, many a month ago, I made a fab guacamole for my 'hoorah my weird roommates are leaving for a week' party and it went over really well with the 8 drunken guests.

So i hit up my fruit man on the corner, but apparently... the Hass avocados are not in season right now!!!! Now, if you know anything about avocados, which i didn't until yesterday, I guess there are 2 kinds.

'Cado #1 is Hass and they are small and dark and creamy.


'Cado dos is FLORIDIAN. It's very large and breast-shaped and lighter green and FYI makes one shitty ass guacamole!!!!



Well, the tit-avocados are apparently in season according to the fruit man, so i bought a couple of those, a jar of the cheapest salsa i could find, and some lemon and garlic powder.

I got home. I peeled. I mashed. I salsad.

It looked like a dog got into my White Castle Crave Case and then puked it up into my disposable Tupperware.

Maybe it tastes good, I thought.

Nah. It tasted almost as raunchy as the office-poop-coffee so I discarded that bitch and had to buy some chips and pre-made guac this morning. Ugh. You try to save a buck and instead spend 10 more. The story of my life. If only my office had the free mother fucking guacamole, this never would've happened.

I'm done talking about this Pot Luck now because it starts in 15 minutes and I have some other exciting news.

I AM GOING TO THE RACHEL RAY SHOW!!!!!

YESSSSSSS, now i can say my life is complete!!!!

One night I was hanging out with this man who i would only hang out with because he bought me expensive sushi rolls on a regular basis. Anyway, we're watching Rachel and he has this creepy ass Rachel Ray fetish which i thought was nast because her boobs always looks so awkward in her tops and you know she is such a fluctuater and all, but he really wanted to stick it in her.
So i went online and we were like sweet, let's get on the Rachel Ray ticket waiting list.
AND FINALLY MY DAY HAS COME! Thank god I used my e-mail address!!!!!
Sarah and I will be attending September 12th... the first day of Rosh Hashanah. AMEN!!!

There is also a hilarious dress code which bans sequins, the color white, ugly track suits and promotes the wear of 'gem-tones'. Personally, I was thinking about wearing my YUM-O tee shirt, though. No rules about Rach-Ray apparal. Yeah, i actually have one. I was Rach for Halloween. Errr...maybe i'm the one with the fetish. Anywaaaaaaay.

I'm off to the Pot Luck now. Wish me luck.