What Not To Wear: A How-To Guide by Emily Winston

The closest Emily ever came to fashionista-status was in Vegas last summer. We decided it was about time to throw her 1992 black platforms in the Treasure Island garbage can and forced her into varying ensembles composed mostly of Sarah's extra small self-bedazzled tank tops and matching mini skirts. We did such a good job with her show-girl makeover that she even managed to look borderline-straight and was hit on several times at each of the clubs we attended. I even decided to reward her sexy efforts with a $25 lap dance courtesy of a large, hunky black man, which she later mentioned that she quite enjoyed.

Check out the Emily sandwich happening in this photo... (not for your eyes, Elinor!!)



So that's why I was pleasantly surprised when I opened up my Gmail inbox this morning to find a message from Em entitled "Blast from the Past Fashion Show"

**Please keep in mind that her jaw is currently wired shut due to a wine-induced hot tub incident and she hasn't been able to consume solids in about a month. It's POSSIBLE that these outfits might like a smidgen better once the 10 or so pounds make their big come-back. wait.... hahahahahahaha, i doubt it.

The message reads as follows--

"For your viewing pleasure!

All of the following fashion items were purchased around 1999. I tried them on today to see if there's anything I should possibly save...the rest I can try to sell on ebay or just donate.

Cast your vote for each item!

Navy pinstripe suit
Cream button-down shirt
Navy flats
Black skirt suit
White shell
Black flats
Red mock turtleneck
Black pumps



first of all Em, this pose is hilarious. Was Elinor directing you or did you just come up with that move all on your own? I must say that the 'red mock turtleneck' really accentuates your golden California tan, though.


Oh my god. This is SO fugly. Nice choice of undershirt on this one. Are you planning on wearing this to an interview?
mmmm unemployment line, here you come.


Now, one would think that you would've worn this blouse underneath suit #1. Although, this outfit doesn't completely make me want to spew my turkey sandwich all over my freshly washed sheets. Next...


Well, I can tell that Ellen Degeneres book I bought to cheer you up really rubbed off. This outfit screams 'I like the ladies', but who am I to judge?

Well... I guess you can open up your very own Ebay store entitled 'Emily's House of Fugly' and make a fortune.
Or maybe you can just construct some new chew-toys for your parrot and cockatoo.
Better yet, you should throw everything in the garbage.