New Message from Mr. Wonderful

Lately i've been wondering why people bother to pay for internet dating services when they can choose from a vast array of sketchy Staten Islanders and ambiguously gay Manhattanites completely free of charge! While I tend to use My Space for general stalking purposes, recently i've been getting a wild influx of male suitors filling up my Gmail inbox each day.
Honestly, I don't get it. My profile picture isn't slutty. I'm wearing clothes. I'm wearing tie-dye for christs sake!! My hair is skanky, i look hungover...errr... i am hungover, and my oh so un-exciting boobs are no where in sight!
See what I mean?


But yet, the men are going nuts for my hot Jewish ass.

Let's begin...

From: Mr. Wonderful
Subj: Mitzvah
happy passover!

~m :)

ps: don't worry about me...I sold my soul to the devil years ago ;)


Dear Mr. Wonderful

You sound wonderrrrrrrful. Happy Passover to you as well. Does it bother you that I accidently ate eggplant parm pizza last night? Nope, it wasn't on matzoh.
I don't get your p.s. Does that mean you want to have sex?
TTYL.

From: BiLLz
Subj: Add Me U Kno U Want 2
Add Me U Kno U Want 2

Hi BiLLz,
I really like your use of the number 2. It's so meaningful. I'm getting kind of wet just thinking about adding you to my friends list. Ahhh, I gotta go.

From: Mr. Swanky
Subj: whats up?
Hey, My name is Manny, wondering if you go out to clubs usually?

Hi Manny,
I like your name. I don't usually go clubbing, but my cubicle neighbor Monique does. Last weekend her drunk friend Shawanda got in a fight with some Spanish broad, weave pulling and all. I heard that shit was craaazaaaaay. I bet she might go to a club with you. Want me to inquire?

From: Moshe
Subj: Jessica!

OK, I am gonna be gay and say, Oh my God, you are such a doll.

I liked all your pics, u seem so vibrant, I would love to treat to
dinner coffe, hot chocolate or whatever, even a broadway. Tell me
you're single and that we can go out sometime, no strings attached.

-Moshe

Shalom Moshe,
I like your pics, too. Especially the one of you smoking a joint. Are you a gay stoner? I've never met one.
Are you gonna treat me to alllll of those things? That would be nice, considering i'm really broke right now and NYC taxes have recently decided to take away more money from my paychecks. Don't they know i'm already paying $2.99/lb for shitty ass mealy gala apples?!? Oy.

From: Edd
Subj: hi
what a poor 'about me' section... you can do better than that...

Hi Edd,
Sorry to disapoint you. I used to have a longer 'about me' section where I talked about how my bed has wheels and it moves across my floor and how the only thing i'm capable of is consuming asian food. But really, who cares?
I like that you spell your name with 2 d's though. Your mom is probably really creative.


From: Georgey
Subj: WATZZ UPP SWEETHEAT,,,,
YOO WATZ UP HOW U DOINGG DO U GOT AOL OR AIM IF U DO I WOULD LOVE TO
TALK TO YOU ALOT BETTER SWEATY

Hi Georgey,
So, you think i'm a sweetheat? That's nice. You're right about being sweaty. I went to the gym during lunch, and of course there just wasn't enough time to shower. So here I am... sweaty.
It really turns me on when you use all caps like that. MMMM GEORGEY.

From: KHRYSTYAN
Subj: No Subject
Hi there Jessica, i like your profile, especially the pictures, (the
one holding the beer is the bomb!) ... I was wondering maybe we can
chat sometime. I still don't get your headline :(
Hope to hear from you soon Jess.

Hi KHRYSTYAN.

Which picture of me holding the beer? It seems I am holding a beer in every single picture. But, thanks. I'm pretty good at holding beer.

From: Dave
Subject: No Subject
What's a sock hop?

Hiiii Dave,
You know... poodle skirts. Grease lightning. Fuckin' let's twist again like we did last summer? Wait, is that a sock hop? OK, bye.

From: Sami
Subject: Hey
hi jessica how are you u look really cute great pictures u have there
by the way ..and u seem nice too .. sorry i dont know exactely what
where to start,not that i dont mean it to be honnest i was just
browsing throu this thing and your beauticul face caught my eye :).. i
tried to read a little through your profile and i loved it :) so i
thought i d write a couple of words, and i hope i ll get a chance to
talk to you soon and get to know alittle more about you.
write back soon
sami

Hi Sami,
I wish i could take a look at your 'beauticul' face too but it seems your face has been replaced with a photo of a palm tree, and alas... your profile is private. what's a girl to do?

From: Joseph
Subj: Is that your kitten?
it's awfully cute. any chance you use AIM or anything like that?


Hi Joseph,
Yessss, that's my kitten. Her name is Sweet Potato and we bought her for $10 from a crackhead in Syracuse, New York.
Nah, i don't use AIM. I never really got into technology. I use Morse Code, though. Feel free to get in touch.

From: Hirts
Subj: Models
Wassup, I think you are gourgaeous, and I want to know if you want to
model for me?

Hirts!

I'll model for you. I've got really great feet. Size 9 and a half. Sometimes a 10. I've even got a hunter green pedicure.
What do you pay?


From: Gori
Subject: London 2 NYC
Hey steph..

(You look incredibly beautiful in the picture, is that you? I'm just
curious to know)

Well, I was just browsing through a few profiles and yours really
grabbed my attention! You seem like a pretty interesting person and
i'd love to get to know you better..

I'm originally from Kensington London but I've just moved to NYC to
work on broadway and I'm LOVING it! U guys really do know how to
party..

I know it mite seem a bit weird this, but it'd be nice to learn a bit
about you. Like what you like to get up2..what kinda music are you
in2..etc?

by the way, you're really cute in the pictures (wow!!)

hope 2 hear from you soon..

Gori

Hi Gori,

Yes, that's me in the photo. I know, I know. Some people are like WOW, you look just like Angelina. But good looks just run in the family. Thanks Marvin!

Before we go any further, you steal my heart and i give birth to our biracial babies... I just need to know one thing. Who's Steph?

From: Aaron
Subj: No Subject
You are a decent looking Jewish girl.

Dear Aaron,

You don't know shitttt. Gori from London thinks i'm damn fine, as does Mr. Wonderful, Moshe, Georgey and Hirts.
I seriously kind of hate you.