Kowloon Me To The Moon

I spent the weekend visiting my favorite pair of best-friends-turned-lesbian-lovers out in Boston. One hybrid wine-pot hangover, a faux call in sickness and a $30 Grey Hound bus ticket later, I found myself smushed in between a cold, hard window and a Wellesley College student with one of the most unappealing moles i've ever witnessed. Said mole resided right above her lip, which sounds sexy in a Cindy Crawford-esque type way, but in fact was quite the opposite. It actually had 2 little hairs poking out of it, and while we discussed our overly Jewish summer camps and the joys of Japanese food, I couldn't help but wonder if i should dig out the tweezerman I keep stored in my purse for emergency stragglers and pluck those bad boys outta there.
I resisted, but seriously almost caved the second the Teddy Graham crumbs starting collecting in her creepy little mole-bush.

I finally arrived in Boston around 8pm, lugging a hefty duffel bag filled with only the neccessities... $3 wine, my best friend and life long companion- the Chi hair iron <3, a couple of oversized black & white cookies and a loaf of challah bread. That's right, I took requests. I contemplated purchasing some lox as well, but decided i didn't want to upset or nauseate my fellow bus companions on the five hour journey through the land of ye olde Connecticut, which honestly is already depressing enough without having to bear the scent of oily fish.

John met me at South Station and we proceeded to Hannah's Jetta, conveniently parked about a mile away from the bus station. Hannah is another member of the Navigation Fan Club, yet still manages to get lost EVERY SINGLE TIME. it's actually quite fascinating. She and Ashley constantly second guess the technology, get into a gigantic lovers' quarrel and then finish it off by making out in the front seat while you close your eyes, make gagging noises and sing Wilson Phillips 'Hold On' as loud as you can to drown out the sounds.

As we approached the car, I noticed an unfamiliar display of bleach blonde hair hanging out of the backseat window.
It was Tamara, and according to some incoherent ramblings and the half empty bottle of whiskey placed neatly in her lap I could tell she was in black-out land. While secretly flattered that I was an important enough event to pre-game for, I started to worry when she attempted to steal an innocent couple's clams casino at Legal Seafood and then proceeded to run out of the restaurant in search of pizza and potential man-friends.

Rest assured we picked her up after dinner in China Town, alive and well and partially hungover.

If you really want to know what I did in Boston for 48 hours, I'm gonna go ahead and say I ate, watched LOGO - yes, the lesbian and gay network and spoke in a full fledged Indian accent the entire time. Ashley and I also made up a song with a somewhat Jamaican beat entitled "Me Knows Where Me Likes to Be Touched" dedicated to a flambouyant ex-army Irishman whom she met in a gay bar in Chelsea last time she came to visit. She inquired when it was he knew he was gay and he replied, well "Me knows where me likes to be touched!" and it goes a little something like THIS-

ME: touch me where me knows where me likes to
Ash: TOUCCCCCCCH ME WHERE YOU KNOW WHERE YOU LIKE TO BE TOUCHED
ME: touch me, touch me, tou-uhh-uhh-uchhh me

and so on and so forth.

We also made up a song dedicated to this Indian academic advisor named Nidhi Oberoi from Syracuse who I met with Senior year to discuss my future cubicle life.

This is to the tune Biggie's HYPNOTIZE-- please feel free to sing along!

Nidhi Nidhi Nidhi
Can't you see?
Sometimes your Oberois just hypnotize me
And I just love your hindu dot
I can't wait to lick curry off your bush**.

I would like to apologize in advance for the mention of Nidhi's bush. The original lyric was "i can't wait to lick curry off your SPOT", but Hannah suggested bush, and seeing as my sexual preference was the minority... we decided bush would have to do.

Over the course of the weekend, I have decidedly come across my favorite highway in the history of all the highways in my life. It's called...bumbumbummmm...ROUTE 1, and we had to drive down it several times in our journeys to and from Boston (Ash and Hannah reside in an old homosexual-run firehouse 30 minutes north of the city.)

What's so amazing about Route 1, you ask? The whole road reminds me of one giant MULLET. There's strip clubs, stinky motels, a giant restaurant named Kelly's which is dedicated to everything roast beef (it even has a drive-thru!), several obscenely Vegas-like glowing cactus-billboards and the most mysteriously statuesque Asian-inspired castle I have EVER seen!

Me- "Hey... what IS that place?!"
Hannah- "Its Kowloon!!! it's AMAAAZING! They serve every type of Asian food imaginable!"

My eyes lit up like a nun recieving her first encounter with cunnilingus.

As you know, i am a whore for asian food. that's right. a WHORE. muhahaha.

Ash and Hannah agreed that a trip to Kowloon was in order, and we decided it would be the last stop before I had to head back to the city.

When Sunday morning rolled around, I put on my ever-expanding spandex pants in preparation for the Asian feast that awaited me. We piled into the Jetta, blasted some Real McCoy and made our way down route 1 for the very last time.

When we pulled up, I couldn't contain my excitement. I hopped out of the car, and whipped out my digi camera. It was like the Eiffel Tower of Route 1, and i NEEDED evidence of my arrival!

An elder, mulleted woman who was most likely arriving just in time for the early bird volunteered to take pictures of us. Please see below.





As the hostess led to us to our table, I couldn't help but think how hilarious it would be if i perhaps... got married in Kowloon! There were lotto machines galore, old people, ladies with unibrows, an overabundance of obesity and a glorious display of ponds and waterfalls surrounded with fake, spray-painted rocks. mmmmm... heaven.

I imagined our waitress Denise definitely lives in a trailer park, but i loved her just the same. She made wonderful reccomendations and was amazed when I told her i took the Grey Hound all the way from New York City JUST to come to THEE KOWLOON!!

We ate strange fried chicken tidbits, teriyaki beef "nuggets" and an assortment of the greasiest noodle dishes i've ever encountered. Everything tasted like it was scooped straight off of a chinese buffet and we only managed to finish 1/80th of the food. We simultaneously became overwhelmed with nausea, held our stomaches and tried not to gag when Ash kept passing gas at the table. See for yourself, YO!


Denise took this.... mmm Denise


Me... dreaming of my Kowloon wedding.


Imagine Ashley farting for this one.


Laughing because I feel like my stomach is slowly dying inside of me and I know i'm about to sit on a bus for 4 hours.

Suffice it to say I haven't touched Asian food since, but i'm hoping to get back on track by this weekend. The end.