Pee in a Cup

Why are those W2 forms so difficult to understand?
Single? Check
Kids? Ahhhhhh no, that baby never would've survived my job-quitting-alcohol-binge.
Head of Household? Uhhh. Well, I live with this girl and her boyfriend in a tiny, shitty, dirty apartment. I have the master bedroom and sometimes I cook, so YES. But wait, mom pays my cell phone bill and sometimes I steal cans of tuna from her cabinet... Uhhhhhhhh...
Are you claiming things and then itemizing them? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!
Shit felt like I was taking a pop quiz, but much worse because my dumbassedness means the government is going to steal all of the money i don't even have!!!

Other exciting first day activities included my very first drug test!! WOOOOOOO!

After 3+ hours of orientation, it was finally time.
While my morning coffee/water combo usually calls for at least 4 trips to the toilet, I made the horrible mistake of saving it all up for THE TEST.
At 11am, I made my way over to the medical establishment located a few blocks away. I had to go baaaad, but i figured i'd get in, enjoy my pee and get out quickly and quietly.
WRONG WRONG WRONG.
First I had to wait in line.
Then I had to fill in the drug test paperwork equivalent to the W2.
Waaaaiiiiting.
Watch old people drinking water.
Watch ghetto people looking very afraid because you know they smoked last night and just drank that magic cleansing beverage.
Cross my legs. Gottttta peee.
Praying to god the receptionist calls my name next. The same mulleted woman who took my license and then proceeded to tell me for 20 minutes how her entire family lives in my town.
Other office lady turns on the TV.
At least I can watch Ellen.
Trying not to think about all of the pee inside of my body.

"WINSTON"

YESSSSSSS!!! I sprinted to the toilet area and grabbed my cup.

"Don't flush when you're done"

Just so you know, it's super hard not to flush!! It's like I was fucking born with the flushing gene! I couldn't even enjoy the experience because I was mentally repeating "don't flush, don't flush" in my head as I let out the most gigantic pee of 2007. I swear, this pee could've filled at least three of those sample cups!!!

And I didn't flush.

A proud moment in my life.