The Grocery Blues

Since moving to Manhattan i've taken up a brand new sport! Yep, this comes as a shock to me too, considering my athletic career basically ended in the 4th grade when I gave up on soccer and took up competitive cookie eating.

But anyway, here goes.
First you fill up your basket. Teriyaki chicken! Sugar snap peas! Hummus! It doesn't really matter what you put in it, just make sure the basket is heavy enough so there's no way you're going to want to hold it for longer than 25 minutes.

When you're all done, look for the man in the red tee shirt waving a giant flag. You can most likely find him close to the entrance and being extraordinarily friendly, which will in turn make you feel pretty uncomfortable. He probably looks like he smokes a lot of pot, and hasn't bathed in at least 2 days.
Have I said too much?

When you find said man, go to him. You will find yourself in line behind a minimum of 50 people. That's on a calm day, like say... Tuesday. Sundays are merely for professionals.

Now that you're in line, feel free to peruse your surroundings. Make your way past that eye-poppingly cheap produce! 39 cents an apple?! Toto, I don't think we're in Murray Hill anymore.
Check out the bakery. Grab some low-fat blueberry scones, they're only $1.29!

That baskets feeling pretty heavy, huh?
Put it down, I promise you'll feel much better. This line is long and moving pretty damn slowly. If only you had less than 12 items, you'd get to wait at LEAST 3 minutes less!!

As the line moves along, you pick up your basket, walk approximately 7 inches and then place it back on the ground. Efficient? I don't think so.

So, you start to nudge it with your feet. Nudge, nudge, nudge. Along with the nudging, comes the 'Bumpology', in which people bump into you with their wagons and carts while reaching for the soy chili on the top shelf, and then for some reason you both apologize
"Sorry!! Can I just...? Yeah, just trying to get the... oohhh GOT IT! Sorry!"

You've already made it to the free sample area, and have added 8 more items to your basket! Mmmm... they're giving out organic cinnamon crumpets. I've never even had a crumpet, and I lived in London for Christs sake!!! C'mon, toss those babies in, too.

Seriously, you gotta love Trader Joes. They are like the equivalent of telling your friends that you just rode your vintage bicycle to a Sondre Lerche concert in Williamsburg, and stopped for a tofu-hotdog on the way home.

Once you've made your way into the dairy aisle, you know you're almost home free! Have you noticed that sound? The sound of hard, plastic scraping against the tile floor? That's right. Look around. You're playing... the Basket-Push! Everyone else has picked up on the nudging just like a giant sign was posted on the wall with how-to instructions and a real, live demonstration entitled "How To Not Feel Like Your Hands Are Going To Fall Off"

Just when you feel the sweat stains starting to form in the armpits of your brand new Anthropologie sweater, you come to the check-out dispatcher. You're 30 minutes late for American Idol, you've acquired at least 3 bruises on your hip and thighs and to top it all off, you just realized that you've far exceeded 3 grocery bags worth of goods and have NO idea how you're going to transport everything home.

Finally, after 38 long minutes, you pick up your basket and head to your designated register, conveniently located next to what is now the END of the line.

As you watch your $5.99 pre-cooked shrimp scan, you praise your gigantically lazy ass for traveling all the way down to Union Square just to get a good deal on your groceries. You've improved your calf muscles, increased your weekly budget for alcoholic-beverages and are the proud new owner of organic cinnamon crumpets!

See! Who ever said I can't play sports??

P.S. This is when you know my social life is starting to go downhill...